Dear Carmen: Reaching Out After a Breakup

Dear Carmen,

My boyfriend of 2 years recently broke up with me.

I miss him and want to text him to ask how he’s doing.

Half of my friends tell me not to. The other half thinks I should do what my heart tell me to do.

What do YOU think I should do?

Almost Texting

Dearest AT…

Texting “How are you?” and “I miss you”… Yep done that.

Stopping mid-day just to think about them? Yep, done that too.

Even after being treated like crap, I found myself overwhelmed with feelings of emptiness in places he used to take up – regardless of how horrible I know he treated me or made me feel.

Then I choose to text *him. Sometimes I get a reply saying, “thank you” or “miss you too”… and other times, I don’t. Either way, I’m left feeling pretty sh*tty. Why? Because reaching out and hearing back (or not) didn’t change anything… if anything, it made me feel worse. I knew this would happen – yet, I did it anyway.

And that’s what we do because we’re human. We make dumb choices on purpose, and hope to learn from it before those dumb choices become a habit.

People say to do what your heart tells you… but sometimes, the brain knows better and it takes your heart some time to catch up. I mean, if you were thinking clearly and weren’t longing so badly for that connection, would you continue clinging onto someone who:

  1. Decided they no longer want you in their life or
  2. You’ve broken up with because they treated you like trash?

If you’ve already texted an ex… forgive yourself.


Because it means your big heart is going through withdrawals. Just be totally aware of your actions from this point on and choose your self-respect over someone who decided he no longer wants to be in your space.

There’s this rule that many people swear by… the No Contact Rule. It’s when you cut all communication & stop focusing on your ex. No phone calls, texting, Facebook stalking… even daydreaming.

Crazy, right? I thought so too, but it’s actually the best thing invented for the broken-hearted since… well… finding peace and happiness.

While it might be one of the most difficult things you have to do… and you’ll have to consciously and intentionally defend No Contact… it will give you the space to put your heart back together and start thinking clearly.

Because how are you supposed to mend a wound if you allow the object (or person) that caused the wound in the first place to continue ripping the scab open?

Please fight those urges to quiet a temporary longing. Find a new hobby, spend time with people who truly care about you, or register for a class you’ve been thinking of taking.

Do whatever it takes to take your focus off of the person who is no longer there… and give yourself the space to recover FOR GOOD.

*Not anyone in particular. But people from my past were pretty much all lousy to me and deserving of NC.


For more of what I WOULD DO in less-than ideal situations, I invite you to browse through my “Dear Carmen:” section… or submit your question to be possibly featured in an upcoming post!


breakup, moving on

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