Dear Carmen: Seeking Revenge on the Person who Stole Your Significant Other

Dear Carmen,

My boyfriend of 4 years left me for his former college classmate. I didn’t even know they were in touch!!

What would be the best way to handle this? Should I contact the other woman by email? Phone? I’m so angry, I want her to PAY!

Angry Beyond Words

Dear ABW…

I’m so sorry you are going through this. Betrayal from the person you thought loved and looked out for you more than anyone, has to be one of the most traumatic experiences in a person’s life.

The best way to handle this?

Kick the Other Woman Out of Your Head.

As crappy as it is… and as crappy as her choice was to get involved with someone who is already in a relationship… she has nothing to do with you.

That chick has ZERO obligations to you or your feelings… and who knows, it’s even possible she’s wasn’t aware the DUMMY with whom you trusted your heart, was even in a relationship (my ex-hubs was frequenting online dating sites even before I knew anything was wrong… and listed himself as “separated”).

It’s tough, but don’t misplace your anger and the need to throw heavy furniture at… if you’re gonna be upset at anyone, direct it right at the person with whom you were in the relationship with.

This is what I told the broad whom my ex left me for…

You mean nothing to me, and you have no place in my life. This is all on my husband… and if he had any love & respect for our marriage, it wouldn’t matter how many women threw themselves at him… he would’ve done whatever it takes to remain faithful.

… btw, she eventually went back to her husband. you know how those crazy, unfaithful married kids can be… falling in and out of love with other people’s spouses.

Let me tell you, ABW… the most important thing you can do right now isn’t to seek revenge on anyone or chase after wrongdoers with burning bricks & sharp objects. The most important thing you can do right now is to take care of YOU. Shift your focus back to yourself… because face it, YOU deserve YOUR love, kindness, and attention more than anyone right now.

What to do for YOU:

  • keep breathing…
  • don’t forget to eat…
  • get enough sleep…
  • exercise…
  • meditate / pray…
  • have fun with your kids (if you have any)…
  • read positive books & browse through empowering websites.

Taking your anger out on the other woman won’t improve your situation. Sure, you might get some temporary satisfaction… but it’s not going to repair your relationship with your ex. Keep in mind too that your actions will be used to bring those two closer. Them against you.

So talk about how you feel to people you trust… your best friend, family, priest (or other leaders in your faith)… find support groups online (that’s what I did, and those women SAVED my sanity!!). Spend time with good people who will make you smile, laugh, and feel safe.

You need emotional support, patience & understanding, and kind, loving feedback… plotting revenge is a waste of your time and energy. Please take care of YOU.


For more of what I WOULD DO in less-than ideal situations, I invite you to browse through my “Dear Carmen:” section… or submit your question to be possibly featured in an upcoming post!


breakup, moving on, self-respect

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