Dear Carmen: The Guy Who Constantly Runs Hot and Cold…

Dear Carmen,

I was 22 years young and fell in love fast with the most amazing man in the world. He would sneak away at work to call me just to say “I love you”, he sent flowers just because, we talked for hours, he stopped me mid-stride to give me a peck on the forehead or cheek, he listened when I talked, we were best friends.

We got engaged. I got scared and tried to find out how far I can push him before he ran away. But he didn’t run away; I did. We reunited after a few weeks and, oops, unplanned pregnancy. He swore we would be a family but seemed awfully detached. He left me in a parking lot 3 months pregnant and I didn’t hear from him until a month later. I found out he slept with multiple other females, went to lots of bars, didn’t tell anyone I was pregnant, never called and only texted to ask me when I was going to the doctor again.

When our daughter was born, he tried to work things out with me immediately – I said “NO WAY!”. He backed off and I dated here and there. I got a great job, bought a house and went on with my life.

He started being that sweet guy I once knew but I was not healed enough to let him back in; until he kept trying for over a year, faithfully pursuing me and charming me. I caved and let him back in. It didn’t take long for the “disconnect” to set in again. He says all the right things but actions speak louder than words. He just doesn’t do those things he once did that made me feel so loved.

I have forgiven him but the hurt is still there. I love him and I want my family together but when I ask for security and reassurance he just seems to get irritated instead of being understanding and supportive. When there is an issue to be resolved he only says, “I DONT WANT TO TALK TO YOU!”, very rudely.

My heart hurts all over again. I’m feeling discouraged, let down, crushed, alone. So, why did he go to all the trouble of wiggling back into my self-sufficient life if he was just going to end up treating me like the invisible woman again? Please help!

No Longer Young, but Obviously Still Dumb

Dear No Longer…

First and foremost, please be gentle with yourself. I’ve heard from many women who’s struggled with similar experiences (yes, including myself). That doesn’t make us “dumb”… it means our reaction to this type of treatment is NORMAL.

It’s when he’s “cold” that he’s showing you how he really feels about you…
So it sounds like your guy thrives on “the chase”. These men pursue aggressively, but once you let em know they “have” you, they stop in their tracks and put you on ignore. I also see that he constantly runs hot & cold… very attentive & affectionate at times, then suddenly shuts it all off without warning. The way it usually work is, when he’s “hot” he’s trying to get something out of you… whether it’s attention, sex, or a boost in ego. It’s when he’s “cold” that he’s showing you how he really feels about you… and most likely keeping himself entertained by chasing after something/someone new.

This is where we lose our footing… we know how good it feels when they’re focusing their attention on us (hot). So when they suddenly take it away (cold), we try to figure out what we may have done wrong and stress over how to get that spark back. But based on personal experience, I can tell you it’s not you – it’s him.

You can’t expect someone to give you something
they clearly do not have.
Listen… he’s repeatedly shown you his true, insensitive and disrespectful self, and my advice for you is to acknowledge & accept that people will always stay true to their character, no matter how much love, kindness, and chances you give them. (Yes, click that link and check out the “Scorpion and the Turtle Parable” and come right back.)

us girls have this amazing gift of interpreting what men do & say to fit what we want, instead of seeing them for what they really are.
To complicate things even more, us girls have this amazing gift of interpreting what men do & say to fit what we want, instead of seeing them for what they really are. But the FACT remains… if it looks & acts like a stinging scorpion, well… that’s exactly what it is (you read the parable, right?). And if you don’t want to keep getting stung, you must stay clear of them at all cost. This is a choice YOU must make… YOU gotta take control of what you allow in your life.

You said you’ve forgiven him… now I want you to forgive him for not being able to be the man you DESERVE. Here’s the important part: don’t take this step as a “victim”, but as a woman with SELF RESPECT.

You’ve already proven to yourself that you have the power to create a wonderful life for you and your child… a great job, your own home, the strength to move on with your life. You owe it to yourself to “clean house” and keep your space filled only with love and positivity. Please don’t allow people who could care less about your happiness… to make a mess out of YOUR hard work!

Here’s what always works for me: I ask myself what I would tell my child if his significant other was treating him the same way. If it’s not good enough for your baby… it certainly is NOT good enough for you! Remember, your child learns by example… teach her how she should be treated by choosing someone who will CONSISTENTLY love, respect, and adore YOU.

You deserve to be happy beyond your wildest dreams! So my challenge for you is to know your SELF WORTH, appreciate your VALUE, and secure the life & happiness that YOU DESERVE for yourself again.


For more of what I WOULD DO in less-than ideal situations, I invite you to browse through my “Dear Carmen:” section… or submit your question to be possibly featured in an upcoming post!


boundaries, self-respect

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  • Great advice! Thank you!


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